Thursday, July 28, 2011

Tears

I try to cry when I’m moved to cry. I decided to do this when I was very young, for a few reasons; I’ve only seen my father cry once—when our dog Sandi went to sleep one last time. He has only ever admitted to crying one other time—at his mother’s funeral when he was 16 years old. But also, I wrestled with gender expectations when I was a kid, and for the better and the worse, I decided to be a person before being a man, mostly because I figured that women and men could live more freely with common social expectations. Part of being a person is crying. (Part of being a person is also accepting your own gender, and I certainly suffered and struggled with becoming a man, but that is a different story.)

I’ve cried every time I’ve read The Lord of the Rings. The interesting thing is that each time I read it, I’m moved to tears at a different point, and looking back to see what parts of the story resonated the most for me at different parts of my life.

The first time, I cried when Gandalf fell in Moria. I was just out of High School. Gandalf was immortal in my eyes. He was powerful both in capability and personality. I wanted to be like Gandalf, so watching Gandalf fall presumably to his death was a great hurt to me. I was barely able to read on and all through Lothl√≥rien and beyond, I keenly felt the fellowship’s loss.

The second time, I cried as Frodo was carrying the ring through the tumbled plains of Mordor. I was at Cal Poly at the time. Forget my airs and pretense for a moment; graduating from college was very difficult and even in the last week of it, any of three things could have protracted it to the point I would not have had the will to carry on. I was in the shadow of heartbreak for two years and it took a total of seven for me to complete junior college and then university.

The third time, I cried at the very end, when Sam came home and said, “Well, I’m back.”. I had finally put my feet in the shoes of a supporter instead of a leader.

I just finished reading the series a fourth time, moments ago. It had been some time since I had last watched the movies. I attempted to distance my mind from the memories and pictures from the film, so that I could experience the books again from my own imagination, and with the added insights into Elvish and the maps from working on 3rin.gs. It seems that I’ve gone back to Frodo. This time, tears came to my eyes as Frodo is spirited away to Valinor. The words here of Frodo’s experience approaching the spiritual realm accessible only to the Elves are the same words that Gandalf uses to describe heaven to Pippin on the walls of Minas Tirith in the film.

“The grey rain-curtain turned all to silver glass and was rolled back, and he beheld white shores and beyond them a far green country under a swift sunrise.”

Frodo takes Arwen’s place on the ship that bears her father, Galadriel, and Gandalf back to the land of the Valar “who have been called gods by men”, thus Heaven in a sense, because the burden of carrying the ring has left him with wounds that do not heal. It is then that Sam returns home, back to his mortal burdens and mortal love.

1 comment:

Christoph Dorn said...

I think having wounds that do not heal is not a long-term solution and should not be a state of mind to be content with.

Life either grows or decays, it is never stagnant, so if wounds are not healing their effect on you must worsen over time.

I had a rough time during high school and university too, not to the extent of ending my life (I don't think like that) but it affected me deeply and set me on a course of life where my painful feelings were pushed far away within me. The problem is over time you forget how it feels to feel and how to interpret your subtle feelings leading to decision making that is more guided by the mind than the heart.

We all know what mind-guided decisions lead to and for me it drove me to work more and build my identity around my work success and learning which I saw as more important at that time in my life than my own well-being.

The problem was that I was heading in a direction my body (health, sanity) could not sustain. I felt weaker and weaker over time and if you looked at me you would have seen it crystal clear.

Then I cried, cried and cried some more. Probably weeks if you add it all up over a period of a few years. What got me to cry was the love and compassion my girlfriend (now wife) showed me even though I just told her I did not want to see her any more and we had just broken up with her very mad.

At the realization of what just happened (breaking up) I started weeping. At first it seemed to be about the situation but quickly shifted towards (based on what I was saying while weeping) to some of the feelings and pain I had suppressed.

I had the opportunity, unconsciously, to go there because my girlfriend realized that the level of my sadness had nothing to do with us just breaking up. She put her feelings aside, put her friend and fellow human hat on, and let me explore my feelings by guiding me through my sadness.

This event was one of the triggers that eventually put me on a path of working through my suppressed feelings and altering my life as a result. When you start feeling again I think many of your mind-based decisions about your life need to be undone because they were originally made for the wrong reasons. That means a lot of change for your life.

It has been seven years since that incident and I can report that I can feel subtle things again. I start feeling tears whenever I see someone or a group of people doing something kind that you don't see people usually doing these days. I guess I have gotten soft but I really like it that way.

My point is that I think crying, especially for men, is something that we were born to do and should be encourage throughout our lifetime to make us better people. It opens a world of peace that is unimaginable until you experience it by making more heart based decisions and putting your own well-being first while being kind to others.

I am proud to be a crying man and better for it.